Your “thriftier-than-thou” attitude is toxic
A few years ago, a couple I’m close to visited me. In their mid-50s, they have a great deal of money saved from a combination of six-figure salaries, a small inheritance, great investing skills, and doing without. This allowed them to retire early and travel the US.
Throughout the visit, I started to notice frugal digs that had never been a part of our relationship in the past. For example, I had planned a fun celebratory dinner at a tapas restaurant since we hadn’t seem each other in a couple years. (We planned to treat.) When we got the menus, they looked at them in shock and started pointing at menu items. “Wow, I can’t believe what people pay for food!! This is just crazy. No wonder everyone is in debt.”
It didn’t stop there. The digs went on for the whole weekend: “We can’t AFFORD Netflix like you guys. We don’t have internet access because we can’t AFFORD fancy smart phones like yours. We get it, your generation is addicted to your phones and you’re no exception. Btw what’s your wifi password? Also, could we use your Netflix while you’re at work?”
Put another way:
I, Ginna, am stupid with my spending. This includes spending money to offer hospitality to you, as you are using my generosity as a way to build your portfolio. Would you even visit me if I couldn’t offer you free wifi and showers?
By using my generosity for freebies, you are clearly a brilliant financial wizard. I bow to your superiority.
People who are frugal can have a holier-than-thou attitude. 😇 They believe that because they are living a greener, thriftier lifestyle, they deserve special treatment from everyone around them.
You’ll see this often with Digital Nomads. When they return from yet another international trip, they feel entitled to stay at your house for a long period of time while bragging about their travels.
I don’t know about you, but after 3 minutes I become convinced that they’re showing me the exact same 5 photos on repeat.
Despite having more money than I do, my digital nomad friends see themselves as a charity case, the true Homeless of the world. During dinners together — bought on my dollar — they brag about how much $$$ their blog brought in last year and their plans to expand it and make even more.
I don’t experience blatant frugal snobbery on a daily bases, but there are a lot of subtler digs going around. I both look forward to and dread going to financial freedom meetups. I’m afraid that someone will one-up me. At least, I’m afraid I will take their comments to heart and beat myself up.
One comment I get a lot is, “Wow, you live in Boulder?? It’s SO EXPENSIVE!” I could volley back a list of the things they do that are both more expensive and more wasteful than my “posh Boulder lifestyle.” I choose not to.
Why? Because I understand how shitty it feels to be one-upped. I understand what’s like to feel like a financial idiot compared to the seeming Superstars of the Finance Blogging World. It’s not a good feeling. If jerking off to our own superiority is what the FI movement is about, I’ll create my own FI Movement of One. 😉
Of course, I’m judgy about other people’s spending, too. Incredibly judgy. But unless there’s a reason to confront the person (confront, NOT one-up), those are thoughts I keep to myself. I’m not one to talk: like everyone everywhere, I have made SO MANY financial mistakes and continue to make them. Might it not be a better use of my energy to take the plank out of my own eye before I focus my thriftier-than-thou microscope on others?
One of the inherent problems with Frugal Snobbery is that it’s based on the false belief that being frugal is a meritocracy. But let’s be logical for a second. One can’t be frugal on $0.
Having the means with which to be frugal is not founded on merit alone. It’s got a basis in luck, the kindness of others, and often a touch of self-centeredness.
On the self-centeredness front, most of my friends’ bounty is based on huge corporate salaries. Which is fine, but not brag-worthy. Lots of people choose instead to work for a moderate salary at a nonprofit that helps others. Why should these corporate paycheck hoarders get bragging rights?
I’m in the same boat. It’s easy to feel superior because I’m saving my money instead of spending it. Yet it often slips my mind that I’ve benefitted from a series of lucky breaks:
- People who helped me find work when I was down and out.
- Being born white in a country where whites hold power.
- My hardworking middle-class family who have at least some of their shit together.
- Being the youngest of three and benefitting from my siblings’ life experience.
If being frugal were based purely on merit, I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.
I have to wonder why my Frugal Snob friends act this way. Why can’t they value my friendship more than their bragging rights? Why can’t they see that through their rampant shitbaggery, they are creating a false dichotomy — an us vs. them — with the “them” being all their friends?
I suspect they are using one-upmanship to prop up their own fragile egos. Apparently being rich isn’t some kind of magic potion that makes you a more confident person. And it doesn’t give you any social skills, either. That’s abundantly clear. Confidence and social skills are things we have to learn on our own.