Breaking the status quo can be lonely
Inconvenient truth: The people in your life want you to fail. At your startup. At achieving financial success. At whatever you are doing that bucks their idea of normalcy.
In fact, most adult members of your family are card-carrying members of the Status Quo Patrol.
If you’re going the frugal route and trying to reclaim your money from debt and unneeded extravagance, you’re going to hit some blowback. Because the spend-most-of-your-income lifestyle is all your family members have ever known. Let’s face it — a lot of us were the same way until we went through a major shift in perspective. They feel left behind as you move into a new chapter without them.
- They want you to go on expensive vacations with them.
- They want you to stop raining on their expensive Christmas gifts parade. (I breathed a sigh of relief when my sis in law suggested drawing names instead of getting gifts for everyone.)
- They want to have things in common with you. They feel alone in some sense — you’ve changed your life approach and it’s harder to relate.
I get where they’re coming from. They just want things to do back to the way they were. And sometimes there’s a bit of schadenfreude when people you love fail.
Especially when they are doing something you wish you could do.
Especially when you warned them that they are being dumb.
Family members wanting you to fail is counter-intuitive. After all, there’s a material benefit to them if you become financially independent:
You can travel to see them more. You can offer them free financial advice. You can help take care of your aging parents. Best of all, they won’t ever have to bail you out of credit card or education debt.
And yet.
You know you’re making good choices when other people become defensive out of the blue. 😂
Let’s face it. Doing something good makes other people feel guilty. Even if you’ve never said, “Everyone should do what I’m doing.” Even if you’ve never thought it.
Ever had the experience where you say something you’re doing, and someone else immediately says 10 reasons why they can’t do it? They’ve interpreted your news as a commentary on their lifestyle.
“I’m working hard on paying off my debt,” you say. “Oh well, I wish I could do that, but…”
🤔
“I’m learning to draw,” you say. The response: “Boy, I’ve always wanted to do that. I wish I were creative like you!…”
Mine is eating. When someone tells me they are vegetarian, I find myself saying, “Wow, I’d be vegetarian, too, except…”
I recently posted a video in which Pete Adeney (aka Mr Money Mustache) explains how he retired at 30 by being frugal and investing in index funds. My brother replied, “I could do that too, if I wanted to live in a shack for the rest of my life.”
People won’t change until the timing is right
I get so excited to share about what I’ve learned about financial freedom, investing, credit card hacks, etc. Beats the heck out of arguing politics at every family gathering. But I’ve started to question whether sharing this stuff is good judgment. I want to tell everyone why working for The Man is a time suck that benefits him a lot more than it benefits me. I want to share how retiring before age 60 is possible for the majority of upper middle class families. I want to share how I started a business with zero capital. How doable it is for anyone to start a business with $100 or less.
Sometimes people get excited, but usually they sort of side-eye and change the subject. For a new idea to have an impact, it’s got to hit at the right time in people’s lives. Otherwise, it’s just painful.
Ten years ago when people told me about how successful they were, I didn’t feel “Good for them!” Instead, it bummed me the fuck out. For months. I was waiting tables for ~minimum wage and some big medical expenses. Financial success — EVER — was not on my radar. I dreaded Christmas card season. Christmas cards are a brag-fest for middle-class people.
Once at a family reunion, I told my cousin how crushed I was that I couldn’t find a job. She replied, “I know. It’s so hard. We might have to sell our other condo.”
If I were a better person, I probably would have thought, “Go them! They are so responsible that they have an extra house as a financial cushion!” Instead, I was furious.
Fast forward 10 years, and hearing about other people’s financial independence changed my life. It was the right time for me. I was able to absorb the information and had the ability to act on it.
Don’t comfort others’ guilt away
Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge. — Audre Lorde
There’s an adjustment period and even a grieving process in losing commonalities with family members. You feel it. They feel it.
But you’re not responsible for mitigating their distress. You’re not responsible for saying, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’re making great choices.” (Esp when you know they just bought a house with 0% down…) .
In fact, you shouldn’t. The distress is a sign of questioning their own life choices and the family norms.
When you comfort them, you’re calming the distress before they can fully process its causes. They’re not getting a chance to forge new brain pathways of, “Hey, maybe there’s another way to live.” They’re not having the opportunity to muse, “Hey, what if I started my own business, too?” Short-circuiting that distress encourages that questioning to subside.
As you continue on your path, relationships will re-calibrate. When you start, you’ll practice frugality to a compulsive extent. But as the pendulum swings toward balance, you’ll find yourself in fewer frugal assholery rants and more freedom. In response to this, many family members’ attitudes will shift from irritation to respect.