Breaking the status quo can be lonely
Face it: Your new life of financial responsibility threatens people.
It doesn’t really make sense that your friends would feel threatened. After all, they truly do want you to be happy.
And yet.
Think of the last time you saw a friend do something amazing and felt a little jealous. Or even upset.
Yeah, it’s great for so-and-so they worked extra hours and got a promotion. I’m really happy for them! But I might secretly feel a bit better about myself if they crashed and burned…
Friends feel abandoned
I’ve talked a bit about why family members might hope deep down that you’re not going to meet your goals.
Friends can struggle with this, too. Your pursuit of financial independence can feel like you’re leaving them behind for something “better.” It’s hard to feel left behind.
As a friend, it’s hard to invite someone to Happy Hour and have them say no because they’re trying to pay down debt. It almost makes you feel financially irresponsible for suggesting it, even if Happy Hour is something you’ve done together in the past.
Trent from The Simple Dollar experienced deep rejection after a personal financial crisis. When he stopped coming to golf outings as often (he couldn’t afford it anymore), he noticed that his buddies were now “busy” whenever he wanted to hang out.
Friendships that revolve around spending money in some fashion will probably dry up once you turn off the money spigot.
— Trent, The Simple Dollar
Friends experience guilt
Let’s face it: Your good decisions make your friends uncomfortable.
Back when I wasn’t saving enough for retirement, I knew it. I knew I should do better. I just didn’t. 😐
And when a friend bought a home with their hard-earned money, it bummed me out. Yes, I wanted them to do well. But I also couldn’t stop feeling terrible that I wasn’t doing better. I felt already so behind them that I would never catch up. Sometimes even talking to them ended with me feeling low.
Their progress felt unattainable.
It might be your fault — at least a little bit
When you start taking control of your finances, you’ll probably talk about investing and debt paydown to an irritating extent. I did. You might rant and rave against SUV’s and big screen TV’s as you downsize your car and shed all your TV subscriptions. This is all normal.
As you get used to your new lifestyle, pendulum swings toward balance, you’ll find yourself in fewer frugal assholery rants and more freedom. In response to this, some friends’ attitudes will shift from irritation to respect.
(Unless you’re just a permanent frugal asshole, which is a whole nother thing.)
There’s an adjustment period and even a grieving process in losing commonalities with friends. You feel it. They feel it.
But it’s important not to comfort them. You’re not responsible for saying, “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’re making great choices.” (Esp. when you know they just bought a house with 0% down…).
The distress is important. It’s a sign of questioning their own life choices and the family norms.
While 80% spendthrift friends might disappear from your life when you become more responsible, a few will be influenced for the better.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. Since my friends have noticed the changes in my life, I’ve noticed them feeling more comfortable talking about their finances, even taking a more active role in their finances. One friend is thinking of giving up his car and using the money for adventures. Another couple is now 2 months away from paying down all of their credit card debt and has started listening to financial freedom podcasts. I didn’t cause those changes by any means, but our friendship and openness definitely didn’t hurt.
This is part of why your journey is so meaningful. Your actions are important not just for you, but for your family and friends. You’re giving them permission to question the empty, stuff-filled lifestyle we were born into. You’re opening up the dream of a life of greater freedom.