Choosing celebration over obligation
Do gifts really make or break your Christmas?
If you could choose between doing more shopping vs. spending more time drinking eggnog in front of the fire with family and friends, which would you choose?
This year, Americans will spend $721 Billion on gifts.
According to the October 2018 Gallup poll, the average American adult projects they will personally spend $885 on Christmas gifts this year. Keep in mind that Americans typically over-spend these October estimates. When you keep in mind that the average American’s take-home pay is $36k and most of that goes to housing and food, this spending amount is huge.
Looking back 10 years to 2009 during the recession, the average spend estimate was just $417.
I remember that year. I was unemployed and broke. I collaged my own wrapping paper out of old New Yorker magazines, and my sis in law’s gift was a scavenger hunt with little “treasures.” It was so much fun.
Was that $417 Christmas so horrible? Do we all have abysmal memories of it? Was it so bad that we need double the Christmas now in order to have a good time?
While I love giving gifts, I’ve mostly stopped giving holiday gifts.
I guess in my 30’s I’ve turned into the Grinch.
I used to do the holidays up a lot more: I went to tons of Christmas parties and played music for several church services. I bought gifts for everyone. It was so much fun. In between parties, I had lists of errands to run in order to get everyone’s gifts.
But once I had college papers and exams and then a full-time job, the fun started to feel exhausting. Christmas became more of a treadmill than a celebration. By the time I reached Christmas Day, I wanted to crawl into a hole and go to sleep. I felt sick from all the party sweets. I didn’t want to spend time with family or do much celebrating over Christmas week. I just wanted to stay home in my pajamas.
The holidays stopped feeling like holidays at all. They were just an incubator for a stress-induced illness called Yule-fluenza.
2016 put my Christmas stress over the top:
That year, I spent hours thinking of what I want to give, working to give something that reflected the specialness of the relationship.
After deciding, I bought presents for my nieces and nephews online and eagerly waited for them to come. When they finally came, the postman couldn’t deliver them (yay NYC!). They were re-routed to a mail collection warehouse an hour away, too far for me to travel in time. I had to re-buy all of the gifts [but different ones, since my awesome ones were stuck in transit…]. My Christmas morning was spent at Walmart. 😭
While I frantically wrapped the gifts, the family (6 adults and 5 kids) was [somewhat] patiently waiting downstairs to open presents. (I say somewhat because … kids!! It’s so hard to wait when you’re 5.)
Once Christmas Day was over, I breathed a sigh of relief that I’d pulled the gifts together in time. But I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to do the gift-stress thing anymore.
Then came new questions: Would people be disappointed in me? What if they gave me a gift and I had nothing in return?
And yet, I wondered, is a gift that I’m obligated to give even considered a ‘gift’, or just doing my duty?
My new approach to Christmas is to treat December as a real-time of rest, joy, and thankfulness. And on Christmas Day, I recharge. I learned this from a friend who does low-key Christmas at home with her husband. I asked her once: “Don’t you feel lonely and disappointed to not have presents?” She said, “You know, feeling disappointed is a function of expectations. I plan the holiday I want and don’t depend on other people to make me happy.”
Last Christmas, I took a leaf out of her book and planned for ultimate relaxation. I only went to the parties I really wanted to go to. I stayed home from the chaotic family gathering realizing I’d get a more meaningful visit in at another time of year when it was less busy.
On Christmas Day, I made french toast. I opened a couple of presents, listened to some favorite music. I went to my favorite coffee shop for a mocha. It was so restful sitting in the window and sketching, watching the people pass by. 2017 was a good Christmas.
I’ve decided to stop feeling pressured to give people stuff. Now when a friend gives me something, I’m thrilled that they thought of me. But I don’t feel guilty that I didn’t get them anything. A gift isn’t about pressure, a gift is no strings attached.
Is forced gift giving really giving at all? I gave you a Christmas gift because the calendar told me to, not because I thought about you one day and wanted to show my love.
These days, I get gifts for people as I think of them. Sometimes I give them gifts by making them cards and sending postcards. Most importantly, my gift to people is being present — I try to be there for my friends and family when I can and spend my budget on visiting them instead of buying them stuff.
I guess you could say I practice Christmas all year round.